some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
