i just wanna soil my oats bro
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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