You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
