the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
