shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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