I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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