I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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