You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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