Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
