a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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