i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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