You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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