I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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