she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize