Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
