I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize