Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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