my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
