apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
