I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
