Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
