Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
