Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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