I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
