dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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