I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
