I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize