he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
