she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
