I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
