I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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