I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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