drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
