I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
