A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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