Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
