A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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