I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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