The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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