God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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