booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
