I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
