This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
