My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
