He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
