I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
