One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
