Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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