I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
