you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
