i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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