I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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