when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
