So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize