Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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