Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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