then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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