So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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