I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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