my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
