Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
