Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
