I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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