I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
