Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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