Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
