so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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