I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
