dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
