Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize