Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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