Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
