My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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